2013 : an honest review

Last year I reviewed 2012, so it's time for 2013- in review! Some things I have talked about on this blog, but some things I haven't... let's begin.

I remember last year thinking that 2012 was one the happiest years of my life. I mean...I spent three months in Europe. It's hard (impossible?) to top that. ...this year I did not spend three months in Europe. It was hard. Not for one second can I say I didn't have LOTS of great times. So many fun times with friends, trips to amazing places with great friends, great experiences.... 2013 absolutely had great times.

But also...it seemed like the first half of the year was just so hard that I spent the second half of the year just recovering from it. Emotionally, personally, professionally. Most of the things I never did talk about on this blog, which I once had a friend describe as the G rated version of my life. But some things I will talk about here now... because I think 2013 deserves it's time and place, & I am hopeful that since the rest of 2013 has been calmer, more peaceful... happier... 2014 continue in that fashion and will be much easier.

Here we go, 2013 in review. (not in any real order, except I tried to go in a linear fashion).

From May 2012-May 2013 my brother was in Afghanistan. It's a hard thing, his second deployment. It made me not read the paper, not watch the news. It's so hard to hear anything and wonder "did that effect my brother?" - over and over. I am proud of my brother. I will always be proud that he is a strong and good person. I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend. But deployments are hard. Probably for those exact reasons- it's hard to know that someone you love, is in a situation that is so unsure. And I know that however it was hard for me, it is ten thousands time harder for the person actually deployed. So then there is guilt that you feel stressed/worried when well, you're sleeping safe in your bed, aren't you? Conflicting emotions, much. Yes. It's hard. 

In March, I found out that my Uncle, a man I had looked up to my whole life, traveled with, camped with, laughed with, even lived with for a period of time, was diagnosed with cancer. It was a matter of months before he would die. He was the first person that I knew, really knew, that was a huge part of my childhood (I have so many memories of him) that I was told was going to die. There was nothing I could do, nothing anyone could do. I remember literally coming home from work, crying in bed, for days and days. I was heartbroken, I still am. I always imagined that he would come to my wedding, wear a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and boots, say nothing. I never, never imagined that he would die at 50. I remember when I was told, I refused to believe it. It took me months to accept it. It was so hard. Even as I write this, I cry. When I read it back again (to edit, I am a teacher after all), I cry again.

In early April, the principal of the High School that I worked at died. She had battled cancer for many years, and it was an extremely difficult event for everyone that I work with, and myself as well.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would stand in front of my students as a first year teacher and tell them that their principal had died. It was a hard, emotional and a time and nothing could have prepared me for it. It also reminded me of the real responsibility that I have for my students and the trust that they place in me- I will never forget when, after I read our scripted statement to our homeroom classes, a student asked me "Miss. F...do you think it hurts to die?"

Right around this time, a person I had been dating for many months told me that he wanted to break up because he wanted to focus on his music (bright side: I can now say I have been broken up with for a jam band- how Portland of me), and didn't want to support me thru all the emotional things I was dealing with (at this point my principal had just died, my Uncles death was imminent- although I was able to positive between the hours of 8-3, in my own time I was running a lot to deal with the stress, & I was stressed out)... better off without him? Yes. One more thing that made 2013 hard? yes.

In the July, my Uncle died. It was easier maybe.... since I knew it was going to happen. I guess. I wonder if in my heart, I will never have closure on this. I have come to accept that I will never understand why things happened the way they did. I will never think it was okay. But I have come to a point where I am okay with it. Holding onto the happy memories I have- I am so grateful for them, that I had such great experiences with my Father and his best friend. Never will I understand, but I will come to accept. Gary the Snail. I won't forget the great times you brought to me as a child. And every time I turn on my car, and the AC is on, I think of him. I hope I always do.

In August, I moved. I agonized over if it was the right decision. I finally just made it. And it was a good decision. But moving. For the 8th time in 8 years. That said, I love my new place, and it was definitely a great choice for me. Around this time, I started work again. With a lot of changes in administration at my school, I felt like I was starting all over. Basically, back to year one (except with more organization and the ability to do paperwork like a champ- just saying, I'm good at paperwork! Or at least I think I am). Everything has certainly shaken out and worked out very well. But August / September were both hard months. (That said....I think that August/September will always be hard months for any teacher.)

So November and December. Here we are. It's been calm (for the most part), I've been surrounding myself with happy people, and happy things. This year gave me a serious appreciation for the people in my life that are always there for me. It's true, that when you're breaking and hurting you realize who your real friends are. I am so lucky to know I have so many people in my life to not only laugh with, but who will be there with me when I am a mess. That's important. Fair weather friends have their place, but it's good to know who they are.
I leave for Germany soon, I am beyond excited to see my brother and spend time with him. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. I am so lucky (& always have been). I have a great life, amazing family and friends. 2013...I lost people I thought would never die, lost friendships I never thought I would...I'm quite glad to have experienced you, but quite glad you are over.
Here is to a happy, calm 2014.